Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Little spoons don't ask big questions
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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