I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
