Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
