Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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