Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
this hospital has no fireball
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
