My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
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