New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
