woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
