hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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