Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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