So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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