Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
