Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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