I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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