I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Randomize
