I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
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