I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
