it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
