Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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