I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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