when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
