I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Dignity is for republicans.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
