Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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