I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
