she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
