Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
