Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
