I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
