My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
