we have officially lost it.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
