I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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