i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
