Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
