I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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