Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
