During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
