just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
