I wish I only lived at night.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
