If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
NoShamevember. You game?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
