We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
