she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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