Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
