i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
