woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
