Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Tornado booty call.. dedication
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
