This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
