The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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