He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
