My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
