8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Semen is not good for contacts.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
