Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
